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5 years later... 

I am seated alone, writing my thoughts down after eating a small cup of 'Maui Brownies with gummy bears on top' flavor of Baskin Robbins in Vietnam. This is my first time in this world-famous ice cream shop and it wouldn't have happened if I didn't accidentally break the rear glass of my iPhone 12 Pro Max 256 GB last night. This is me bragging about how far I've come.

I am now 30 years old. If you read the first three blog posts I posted on this website, I'm sorry to say I'm not that girl anymore. I'm a rebel now. Kind of. I've done a lot of things that that girl from 5 years ago would have never done. Do you want to hear about it?

5 years ago, I wished to be reckless. To do what I want. But the people pleaser in me knows that will make me unlikeable. But either way, I realized I will never be able to please everyone so fuck it.

Travel is an investment in yourself.

In December 2018, I internationally traveled solo for the first time. I flew to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, rode a train solo for the first time, flew to Nepal, and celebrated 2019 New Year's Eve in Bangkok, Thailand. I went to three countries on my first international trip. 

There's no time to be bored in a world as beautiful as this.

In February 2019, I had a hunch that I was going to be transferred to a new district. A part of me was thinking it was because I traveled too much. 

Don't get so busy making a living that you forget to get a life.

In April 2019, my new assignment has been officially communicated nationwide by email. My first thought was I needed to buy a car because this new district is about 107 km from my hometown or a 2-hour journey. I had about $10,000 in savings at that time which was enough to pay for a downpayment for a car. My monthly salary will be enough to cover the monthly amortization. That guy I was talking about in the "For All The Broken Souls" blog post, he's an ex now. At that time, he asked me to resign, process my visa, and moved with him to Europe. I wasn't ready to take that risk. So I chose to ask him for one more year. I didn't want to resign without proving anything at the workplace. I don't even know what I want and who I want to prove. But the major reason was that I didn't think I had enough capacity to support myself, in all aspects, in case we break up when I'm already in Europe. In the end, my ex found someone else.

March 15, 2020, the Covid-19 pandemic happened. The world stopped. And I realized that I made the right decision. What would have happened to me in Europe if I was there during the pandemic? What would have happened to my 70-year-old parents if we didn't have a car to travel around? In the end, everything happened for a reason. The very same reason that I had accidentally dropped my phone last night. If I had let that frustration get into me, if I didn't decide to have it immediately fixed today, I wouldn't be here right now writing all of these down.

Anyways, that same year of 2020, I got the recognition I wanted. I was hailed as a top collector. I felt invincible. I ticked all the "responsible, good girl" boxes but I wasn't happy. Because I went back to my core, and this is not what I want. 

I want to see the world! I have always believed there's more to life than my little hometown. I had no more boxes to tick in my good girl era. It was becoming boring and senseless. I'm getting old and I'm not doing anything that is making me happy. Everything I've been doing was always for other people. It was making me feel good about myself but it's not the happiness that satisfies me.

If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start at all. 

So in May of 2021, I talked to my mom and told her I'm resigning. She cried and begged me to wait for her demise. I felt so fucked up! At that time, I was more scared about the idea that I might die first before her. It was a very dark moment in my life. I felt restrained. I can see my family getting comfortable with the luxuries I was giving them. I spend so much money on 20 people in my family. No one seemed to mind but I felt abused. I know I was doing it because I wanted to share, and be a good person, but I have never been someone that can tolerate any kind of abuse. I can see I was being financially abused. Communicating my thoughts to them was futile. They will tell me there shouldn't be a limit on the amount of support I should give because I have no children and husband, and that I can't bring my money to the grave.

I knew the only way to live the rest of my life is to choose me. My mom's crying wasn't able to stop me. I felt like a witch and it was my season to flourish. I tendered my resignation, and I was officially a bum effective August 1, 2021. The bureau tried to stop me. I was promoted to Revenue Officer III and I guess that was their final move to try to stop me. But there was no stopping me no more. I've made up my mind and my decision is final. 

My plan A was to study in Spain but since it was the onset of the pandemic, every document I needed was delayed. I needed a new passport and I encountered delays while processing it because apparently, I didn't input my middle name during the online application. There were delays in my school records because the school had to lock down because a lot of their employees got Covid. In the end, I gave up on this plan. I wasn't into it enough to find all ways for it to happen. All I wanted was to get away from everyone, and it doesn't matter where. I just want to be in a place where nobody knows me and I can start anew.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.

So after that, I flew to Manila for a week and Siargao for three weeks. I was thinking of staying in Siargao. Just stare at the ocean, breathe it in, and find a remote job. In no particular order. I had no inflow, I was living on my savings.

I've never celebrated my birthday, Christmas or New Year with my family since 2017. And I won't let this year be any different. I can't spend this special day in a home that doesn't feel celebratory. I want to feel the happy vibes, fireworks, and all that which I don't expect if I stay at home being my parents are in their 70s and they'd rather sleep than wait for midnight to celebrate these. It wasn't an easy journey. I thought to myself, maybe it's time to revisit Thailand. But I've already been there twice! I wanna go somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been before.

 

We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.

In December 2021, I decided to fly to Bali, a place I've always wanted to visit since I was in 5th grade. As a child, I used to watch the beauty of this place in a Korean tv series called Memories of Bali. However, Omicron, a new and stronger variant of Covid-19 had just caused panic again. There were no direct flights to Bali and I have to quarantine in Jakarta for 10 days. Worse, I got into trouble at Davao International Airport. I had printed copies of my school records like my diploma and transcript of records with me and the Davao Immigration Officers assumed I will try to find a job in Indonesia. They didn't allow me to travel even if I had a valid visa, a valid passport, and I have zero criminal records. Do you think that would stop me? No. I lost the money I paid for that flight, yes. But I want this! I didn't leave the doors of Davao Airport. Instead, I booked a flight to Manila and this time, I was able to leave.

 

Love is the food of life. Travel is dessert. 

I was living my best life in 2022. I lived in Bali for 11 months. I met my twin flame. Literally, as we are both fire signs. Kieran is a Leo, and I'm a Sagittarius.  He was my catalyst to get back on my career, and the best part of it is I finally found a remote accounting job. 

 

It doesn't matter where you are going. It's who you have beside you.

We traveled together. And he is the best person I've ever met in my entire life. I love everything about him. He is perfect for me. He was always there whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. He got me into therapy. He never accused me of being bipolar even if I am a Katy Perry song sometimes. I don't feel restrained with him, I remain a paradox, a committed free spirit. He's assertive, cool, funny, good-looking, hot, sexy, and smart all at the same time. His combination is lethal to women. I hope in 10 years and the years after that, when I write again on this website, he is still my man. I want all of him, forever. I am obsessed with him and he thinks that means I have high standards. I know I'm weird but I want to protect what we have. If that means I will keep our relationship private to avoid evil eyes, I will. If that meant this will be my last post that has him in it but we are happy and content in private, I will.

The world is my playground but I want to give him the world. I will give him the world.